Siege of Exterrea

Rizzi: The Only River that Won't Get Us Killed Takes Seven Weeks And I'm Soooooo Boooored!

Trees. Water. Ship. Different trees. Swampier water. Same ship… I’m going out of my mind! This is week four of the voyage of the Corvine Sister Ship Kill-Me-Now. If I die of boredom before reaching our port, bury me with my money.

It’s funny how a day of action and swashbuckling can make such an impression, that it feels like it was only yesterday. Did I mention that I fought a science boat and won? …okay, I’ll start there.

So, we’re fleeing Senta Marin with a shipment of guns, and the science police are on our tail. Apparently these guys mean business, ’cause the Zolanese man-mountain almost got gunned to death by these guys.

We’re on the boat, being pushed at lightning speeds by the Monkey girl’s magic water stick. Sadly, magic sticks are no match to Sentin metal boats (seriously, metal sinks in water, what the hell Sentins?) They were gaining on us quick, so I had to take action.

Atop of Oberon, we jumped overboard and took the fight to them. I don’t think they were ready for how fast this tubby toad can swim! I charged all for of them! …okay, well two of them were asleep thanks to Aodris’ magic, but it was still pretty amazing.

We forced them off of the boat so I could claim it as my own! But Sentin trickery knows no bounds. They rigged the damn thing to explode! Right when it was in my clutches, it blew up and nearly killed me, but Oberon rescued me.

So, we’re out of Scienceland and back in beautiful Drunkardland. Should be an easy sail home from here, right? Wrong. There were three routes, and we exhausted all of them before coming home.

Route one: Creepy Snake Lady. These people who turn into snakes boarded our boat, and their queen went on about us being “lying outsiders”, which means we didn’t lie good enough. They turned some of us into trees, so we called it a loss and turned around.

Route two: Garug-dumb and the Loser Battalion. We got the jump on their watchtowers at first, until one of them blew their stupid horn. We got to their first armed tower and set it on fire, but their dumb lizard magic put it out. We had to leave after that. On the bright side, I think we started a forest fire in their home!

Route three: WHHHYYYYYYYYY??? This is the long route. As in seven weeks of nothing happening long. We’re gonna get paid a lot less, but at least we get some money for Rizzi’s Booze-and-Game Den. We get to tally one victory for our silly guild. As long as nothing happens for the next three weeks. Twenty-one days. Sixty-three boring, bland meals. I’m buying a steak when I get back.

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